Archive for June, 2007

The Naked Chef

June 29, 2007

Move over Jamie Oliver,  there is a new nude chef in town. 


After great debate about the merits of a kitchen set for a boy, the Captain relented with one stipulation – “It better not be pink”. 

Some quick internet searching turned up some amazing options and the decidely unpink kitchen arrived last week.   It was none other than the Captain who tore open the box and had the thing assembled in minutes (minus some time for cursing).  

It has seen non-stop action ever since.   I captured this as he fled during a diaper change to pop some buns in the oven.   Thank heavens for a strategically placed oven door. 

Bon appetit!


Caddy Shack

June 22, 2007

Finn caddied for his father last weekend.   While he found the bag a bit heavy, he could read the greens like a pro. 


Finn,  Steve Williams called.  He wants his coveralls back.  The new Hootie will throw him off Augusta for non-compliance.   


Faithfully Submitted

June 20, 2007

I wrote this story for my writing group meeting last week.   The women really seemed to like it so I thought I would share it here too.    It is a work of fiction. 


June 10, 2007

Dear Belly,

            If you were born on your due date, we would have been celebrating your first birthday today watching you mash sticky sweet icing with your chubby little fingers.   

            Your Dad and I tried for years to get pregnant with the help of countless doctors, pills, books, thermometers and pillows for propping.  The stick turned in our favor several times, but the heartbeat always slipped away along with our dreams.  Each time more painful than the last until eventually, we just stopped. 

Then without any fanatical fanfare, I was pregnant again.  I denied myself any hope for the first several months almost as if you didn’t exist.   I was frightened and did not tell a soul since I could not face the “untelling” again.  Caution gave way to a belly.   I had never before reached the stage where there was an actual belly.   And you were a magnificent belly: High and round.   I could not keep my hands off you.   Neither could anyone else.  Friends, Family, total strangers touched you and I reviled in it. Your father slept snuggled against my back with his hand resting on you.

We never found out your sex wanting the joy of the only real surprise in life.   We debated names. Your Dad naturally assumed you were a boy and liked “Earl” or “Mel” as  if you were going to be a trucker or own a diner.   I, therefore, voted girl and liked “Vivian” since it means lively. You turned and twisted like a dancer.  The debate raged on and we always just referred to you as Belly.    You were the ins and outs of our days. 

“How is Belly this morning?”

“Belly wishes she could have a cup of coffee.  Or tea at the very least”

“Would Belly like a back rub?”

“Belly loves Daddy”

You made many requests.       

 “Belly wants mint chocolate chip ice cream, Daddy”

And many proclamations. 

 “Belly has gas.”

We counted down the days.   On the morning of June 1, 2006, I was on my way home from a check-up at the doctor’s office.   I got off 287 and was waiting on the ramp to merge into the traffic circle for Westfield.   I daydreamed about squiring you about our cute town in your stroller in a few weeks.   

The phone rang. 

“Did the doctor say that Belly will be coming on or before June 10th?   I am running a pool at the office.”

I laughed at your Dad and glanced in my rearview mirror.  The truck was never going to stop.  I don’t remember being hit.    I only  remember looking down, seeing red, and screaming,  “My Belly!” 

Today I left a single red rose and a sign that reads, “Happy Birthday, Belly” on the exit ramp for Westfield.  As I hung the sign, I had a vision of you in a special birthday outfit mashing your birthday cake.  Then I went to St. Helen’s and lit a candle.  I wished for you.




June 13, 2007

Today is my grandmother’s birthday.  This is a brief tribute to an amazing woman: 

  • She raised seven kids in half a double on Capouse Ave in Scranton
  • She was completely gray by the time she was 40
  • She never colored her hair, but got a wash and set every week at my mom’s beauty shop
  • When there was little left to wash and set,  she got a wig.  
  • When not on her head,  the wig lived on a styrofoam form on her dresser.   She would con my cousins into combing the wig as “special treat”
  • She could sing and dance, performing in the Minstrels (at a time when performing in the minstrels was not politically incorrect)  
  • She had a unique approach to “swabbing the deck” (aka house cleaning) involving wearing old underpants on her head to protect her hair-do from dust
  • She was a lousy baker and her specialty “Spice Cake” was likened to the surface of the moon by my father
  • She could sew and fashioned a “Flag Dress” for the nation’s bi-centential that I practically lived in for all of 1976
  • As the baby girl of her baby girl, I was given most favored nation status.
  • She died when I was five but lived in our house during her brief battle with pancreatic cancer

I miss you, Gram.   But I know you are watching over us.    

Beach Blanket Bingo

June 10, 2007

On his first ever visit to the beach,  Finn did his best Frankie Avalon impersonation.   He swaggered from blanket to blanket in his hurachi sandals and surf shirt to seranade the honeys in their bikinis with his soulful renditions of wheels on the bus,  itsy bitsy spider and if you are happy and you know it.    His medley performance was a real crowd pleaser, but it was really the coreography that sold it.    We have trained him well since the dance sequences are integral to any successful beach flick.

Despite the overcast day,  the young crooner enjoyed frolicking on the beach with the honeys, especially, this one.   


That’s my mom.  Once many years ago on a family vacation,  she sent me over to a man’s table to say hello, shake his hand, and tell him I liked his movies.  And that’s how I got to have a Shirley Temple with Frankie Avalon. 

How to get anything you want

June 6, 2007


TO:  All other babies and kids


RE:  How to get anything you want (with very little effort)

#1 – Try to look impossibly cute

#2  – Laugh and giggle a lot while swimming in your aunt’s pool (if you don’t have an aunt or a pool – see point #1 and repeat often)

#3 – Listen closely since what I am about to tell you is critical.   When your aunt (or any other sucker) makes you a special treat like a mini-sundae with M&Ms,  you must turn around, gently scoot your padded dupey into her lap and open wide for a spoonful.   This maneuver is guaranteed to illicit the following response,  “OH MY GOD,  YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT!”

#5  – Brace yourself for the barrage of kisses

#4 – Now you’ve got her.  Keep a short list of demands in the pocket of your cargo pants so you are prepared when the opportunity presents itself. 

Invisible Woman

June 5, 2007

Mommy:  Finn, where is the fan?

Finn (thrusts his hand up and points to the circling ceiling fan)

Mommy: Finn, where is Daddy?

Finn (grins and points at Daddy)

Mommy: Finn, where is your sippy?

Finn (points to his cup)

Mommy:  Finn, where is the pizza?

Finn (says Mhhhhh and points to the pizza)

Mommy: Finn, where is Mommy?

Finn (blink blink)

At last, I have realized my super hero power.     

And they’re off….

June 3, 2007

It is totally safe to leave your child unattended on a pony.


Finn & Daddy discuss how old he has to be to race at Belmont.   Can’t they pick up the pace.


After being told that the llama spits, Finn and Mommy visit with the baby goat instead.


Rethink Beauty

June 3, 2007

After the intro loads, click on the commercial in the bottom right of the screen for the Saturn Hybrid

The “Rethink Beauty”  segment features my girlfriend, Erin, and her gorgeous new son, Beckett.   They are already padding his college fund.   He booked the ad at 12 days old and shot it at 20.   

As I told Erin,  you never have to “rethink beauty” when it comes to her.   And that child…. forget about it.   Sweetest little face.