Ishmael “Ish” Kane went to God on Tuesday morning. Authorities are calling the death suspicious and a full inquiry has be called.
Finn P. Kane, the lead investigator on the case, at a conference with members of the press indicated, “We have named one Colleen Mary Kane as the chief suspect. Ms. Kane is also known to conduct her affairs under various alias such as Aunt Colleen and Kissy Monster. On or about, Sunday February 3, Aunt Colleen visited the Kane residence bringing contraband seashells which she introduced to Ishmael Kane’s glass bowl. The salt of the said seashells upset the gentle ecosystem of Ish’s world and ultimately he succumbed. Ms. Kane denies any wrongdoing saying she was only trying to help decorate.
Investigator Finn P. Kane also added, “We have reason to believe that Ms. Kane did not act alone. Her accomplice, Mrs. Tina Kane, alias Nana, willfully and knowingly supplied her daughter with the said seashells. When I spoke with her from her hideaway in Palm Beach, she defended her actions stating, ‘I thoroughly scrubbed those shells.’”
The Captain and Mama are also implicated for staging a cover-up. Mama disposed of the body via lavatorial expulsion and cleaned the crime scene. The Captain absconded under cover of darkness on the evening of the day in question and procured a replacement fish at Petco. The following morning, Mama disclosed to the Captain in a whispered phone call, “I think we fooled him.”
We hauled them in for questioning and Mama folded like a house of cards. The Captain, however, expressed no remorse for his involvement and stated, “My only regret is that we were outside the two week guarantee window.”